Oscar
It’s been awhile. I gave up on this thing and I probably will again, but for now I need some therapy in the form of writing. Something about this being available for all to see, even though no one will, is appealing. Why? Because I need to scream. I need to cry and yell and not care about what other people think. Just for a second. Just for now. I feel the scream in my throat. It hurts me physically to hold it in. It’s a tightening and an aching in my throat that just does not seem to recede.
It seems that nothing has been just plain good in my life. You have to give something up for happiness whether you mean to or not. I almost want to say that for everything I have gained, I would give it up to have Oscar back. It’s been three weeks. Three terribly painful and wretched weeks. I can’t cry. It’s selfish. I can’t let people see it. Some events deserve tears. This deserves tears. I can’t imagine, if he’s still alive, how he must feel. Does he feel betrayed because we aren’t outside still every night calling his name into the darkness? Does he feel lonely? Scared? Hungry? I want to send him my love. I want him to know how much he meant to me. He was more than an animal, but a companion; faithful and kind. No matter what went on, he was by my side, insisting I always smile.
In any case, I don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve done so much to get him back, but still not enough.
It’s going to rain tonight. Probably heavily.
Will he return?